So work just called..

and I am going to be a waitress tonight.
I promise, I will live up to the food-spilling on customers, asking dumb questions to the cooks legacy. Okay, maybe I won't, but if we get some business there's some good stories in the near future, my friend.

FAQ's

So, I think I'll give you some frequently asked questions I've been asked over my next few posts.
Some will be realistic, others sarcastic, naturally.
Here we go, my friend, and if you have any questions, just ask.

Q1. How much should I tip a waitress?
A1. There are many answers to this question, but I guess it depends on the type of waitress you get and the type of person you are.

Did the food suck? If it did, then you weren't eating my food. Haha, just kidding.
If the food was awful and you were upfront about it, how did the waitress handle the situation? Did she offer you options: new food, a way to fix it, did she offer to take it off the bill?

Was she friendly? Did she cater to what you needed?
Did she seem knowledgable?

Bottom line is, if you had a good waitress, you really should tip 15% of the bill. All restaurants legally must make waitresses claim their tips for taxes; most places [all places I've worked at] have their waitresses claim 10%.
That is the absolute minimum you should tip, if you have an awful waitress.

I mean, stiffing a waitress, despite how blonde is never recommended by me, but the situation definitely influences your decision.

I, as a restaurant employee never tip below 20%, but I haven't had the most awful service ever, so I'm somwhat biased.

beets?

Does anyone know why I say, "make sure everything is dated in the cooler"?
Everyone gets so mad when I say to do this, mostly waitresses.
I guess it's because they are too lazy to write three numbers.
The typical response from this one lady is,
"We are going to use it before it goes bad."

Well, yesterday when I was cleaning out the cooler, there was a container that was dated.
It was a jug of red beets, and it definitely said "09-24-07".
Ha, and you don't know how tempted I was to put them in a monkey dish and offer them to you.

Disgusting.

What's up, stupid?

Okay, there's this waitress.
Dumb as rocks, of course.

WAITRESS: This lady wants a pizza with anchovies.
ME: We don't have anchovies. It's not even on the menu. Ask if she wants something else.
WAITRESS: What is an anchovy?
ME: It's sort of like a type of fish.
WAITRESS: Can you substitute other fish for it?
ME: Like what, baked haddock?
WAITRESS: Umm.. could you?
ME: No, you can't do that! It's like substituting peas for peppers!
WAITRESS: Oh, I didn't think they'd be any different.

DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!

Math whiz..

NOT BLONDE WAITRESS: Do you have a calculator?
I'm counting the drawer, but what's 537.32 minus 200.00?
I'm so confused. WHERE IS THAT CALCULATOR?
ME: It's 337.32.
NOT BLONDE WAITRESS: Wow you're good.
ME: No, it's simple math
NOT BLONDE WAITRESS: Well, I was never good at calculus.
ME: Hunny, that's third grade subtraction.

I couldn't even make this stuff up..

New Kid on the Block #2..

..smells like a french prostitute who collided with a gypsy.
She was dressed in sequins so sparkly, I swear I was having an epilepic seizure,
and her perfume was so strong, I needed an inhaler.

We called her green beans..

I want to tell you a story about the dumbest waitress I have ever encountered.
I coined her green beans (GB) because it was our occasional vegetable of the day, yet she took orders for them from a bunch of her tables.

Anyways, one day I came out front and began to ramble about the air..
Me: "Oh my God, I forgot to take the air sample today, and I'm so busy!"
GB: "An air sample? For what?"
Me: "We have to take air samples weekly to make sure the oxygen is healthy to breathe. Can you do it for me?"
GB: "Are you serious?"
Me: "Yes, it's really important. This is how you do it. You take a plastic bag and shake it open. Give it four solid shakes and quick tie it up before the air escapes and bring it back over."

Green Beans walks to the corner of the restaurant, customers staring and collects an air sample.
I was laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe the air anyways.

I know, I'm a horrible person.
Did I mention cooks are generally really obnoxious/sarcastic?

If you want pie,

do not ask a waitress at restaurant #1.
I experienced de ja vu last night.
Another waitress asked which was the coconut cream pie.
The other cook working said the servers ask her a lot too.

Are you kidding me? Am I missing something?
Obviously, we need to have a tutorial on the different types of pies.

What bugs me is, we've had some good waitresses in the past, and my just fired boss let them go. At least THEY knew which pie was which.

I'd really like to..

86 the waitresses..


So, the special for today is free waitresses. Please, take them off my hands.
Okay, not all waitresses are terrible, but you definitely need to work in a restaurant to understand the different types.


Next time you go out to eat, see which one of these is yours...

The "forgot to take her ritalin" waitress: Sometimes the aspiring actress, will be overly perky and annoying to receive larger tips.


The "on an LSD trip" waitress: She is sometimes has off the wall emotions or is completely spaced out, as if experiencing the effects of LSD.


The table-hog waitress: She stampedes the hostess in attempts to take tables not only in her section, but in every other server's as well.


The eat while she works waitress: You watch from your table in horror as your waitress gorges on french fries drenched in ketchup and then brings your food without washing her hands.


The tip-n-dash waitress: She swoops in for her tip and leaves her table un-bussed and filthy for the next person to deal with.

The clumsy waitress: She spills your food on the floor in front of you and then makes a scene and a complete fool of herself.

The VERY clumsy waitress: She spills your food or beverages right on you.

The "wanna-be doctor" waitress: Her handwriting is so sloppy, she must come back to the table and ask for your order again.

I'm sure I can come up with more, but enjoy that!

Here's a tip...

...for the waitresses I work with.
Purchase a brain. You can use your tips from the old perverts who basically pay to stare at your chest.

Do not come up to the cook's window ever again with two pieces of pie like this and ask,
"Which is the coconut cream?"



The coconut cream pie will always be the one with the coconut.

Here's an equation: coconut + cream + pie crust = ... yes, coconut cream pie.Bananas go on.. umm.. oh boy, this is tricky. perhaps the banana cream pie?

Dumbass.